“you shouldn’t let children mix the martinis. it is unseemly and they use too much vermouth.”

-fran lebowitz (author)

“if you woke up in a motel with a dead whore who’d been stabbed, who would you call?”

-billy wilder (film director)

“everything in moderation is okay, except wild turkey.”

-evel knievel (daredevil)

“they who drink beer will think beer.”

-washington irving (author), the sketch book of geoffrey crayon, gent.

“many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it.”

-maurice chevalier (actor/singer)

“well, my father warned me about men and booze, but he never mentioned a word about women and cocaine.”

-tallulah bankhead (actress)

“i have a theory that, once you are over thirty, the only person allowed to yell at you should be your spouse or girlfriend.”

-ted heller (author)

“quick the wizard son, kullervo,

holds the bridle of his courser,

charmingly intones theses measure:

‘come, fair maiden, to my snow-sledge,

in these fur robes rest, and linger;

eat with me the hazel-nut in joyance,

drink with me the beer delicious.

eat the dainties that i give thee.”

-elias lönnrot (author/folk poetry researcher), “kalevala (kullervo and his sister)”

“i speak two languages, english and body.”

-mae west (actress)

“a tough girl, more than anything else, is a girl who doesn’t care if you’re shocked. a tough girl doesn’t sit like a lady or laugh like a little girl. she goes where she shouldn’t, and when she gets there she does exactly what she wants…and she likes it.”

-claudia shear (writer/actress), “dirty blonde”

“the sparrow is sorry for the peacock at the burden of his tail.”

-rabindranath tagore (poet/composer)

“a hangover felt like that, she thought, like a rack of antlers.”

-antonya nelson (writer), “stitches”

“when the going gets weird, the weird turn professional.”

-hunter s. thompson (author)

“you never get nothing

by being an angel child,

you better change your ways

and get real wild.

i want to tell you something

i wouldn’t tell you no lie,

wild women are the only kind

that really get by,

‘cause wild women don’t worry,

wild women don’t have the blues.”

-ida cox (blues singer/songwriter)

"brevity is the soul of lingerie."

-dorothy parker (author/poet)

“rationalizing is the self-exculpation which occurs when we feel ourselves, or our group, accused of misapprehension or error.”

-james harvey robinson (historian)

“it has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.”

-abraham lincoln (u.s. president)

“who would say that pleasure is not useful?”

-charles and ray eames (designers/multimedia artists)

“ (d)oing what feels right proves to be a competent and trustworthy guide to behavior which is truly satisfying.”

-carl rogers (psychotherapist)

“you will soon break the bow if you keep it always stretched.”

-phaedrus (statesman/philosopher)

“promiscuity is a way of showing

how much you love your fellow creatures.”

-james broughton (poet)

“one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”

-george carlin (comedian)

“i went to celebrate with beers

but with the battered hour

i did lie with long dead bodies

by a sea-sad town.”

-jacob knight (poet)

“if there were sex in friendship this would be the place to have it

right here on this floor

with bells ringing and the loud music pealing”

-john ashbery (poet), lithuanian dance band

“if the whole human race lay in one grave, the epitaph on its headstone might well be: ‘it seemed a good idea at the time.’”

-rebecca west (author/journalist)

"it must be remembered that even the most severely and obviously disabled psychopath presents a technical appearance of sanity, often with high intellectual capacities and not infrequently succeeds in business or professional activities for short periods, some for considerable periods. although they occasionally appear on casual inspection as successful members of the community, as able lawyers, executive or physicians, they do not, it seems, succeed in the sense of finding satisfaction of fulfillment in their own accomplishments. nor do they, when the full story is known, appear to find this in an ordinary activity."

--h.cleckley (author), the mask of sanity

“underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character.”

-oscar levant (composer/musician)

“i sit in one of the dives

on fifty-second street

uncertain and afraid

as the clever hopes expire

of a low dishonest decade

waves of anger and fear

circulate over the bright

and darkened lands of the earth.

obsessing our private lives;

the unmentionable odour of death

offends the september night.”

-w.h. auden (poet)

“committing a gross indecency shows

that you do things in a big way”

-james broughton (poet), sins of emission

“knowing he had other women i drank

and evening slid off the roof like slate shingles.
-karen fish (poet), florida

“son, when you grow up you will know who i really am. i am just a child like you who has been forced to act responsibly.”

-rod byrnes (writer)

“if i had been busted for drugs instead of gambling, i’d still be managing the reds and baseball would be paying for my therapy.”

-pete rose (baseball hero)


“we will drink a little

and philosophize a little

and perhaps we both

who are made of blood and illusion

will finally free ourselves

from the oppressive levity of appearance”

--zbigniew herbert (poet), a parable of king midas

“we should every night call ourselves to an account: what infirmity have i mastered today? what passions opposed? what temptation resisted? what virtue acquired? our vices will abate of themselves if they be brought every day to the shrift.”

-seneca (philosopher)

“having outgrown embarrassment about my failings

i simply attend to the needs of my perversity
and let my instincts run as riot as they can.”

-james broughton (poet), solaces of senectitude

“when one has a good wine, a graceful boat, and a maiden’s love, why envy the immortal gods?”

-li-po, (poet), song of the river


“do not suppose that abuses are eliminated by destroying the object which is abused. men can go wrong with wine and women. shall we prohibit and abolish women? the sun, moon, and stars have been worshipped. shall we pluck them out of the sky?”

-martin luther (christian reformer)

“we were eating much

as is usual when nobody pays”

-zbigniew herbert (poet), a halt

“not having to shit in the tall grass means something.”

-bruce weigl (poet)

“every few minutes, a drunk would start to piss against the side of the elevator. carolina would call out to him: ‘honey! hey there, honey! you gotta pee?’—and the drunk would turn around in slow surprise, his hands still on his fly, and carolina would run up to him and pat his shoulder and say, ‘get in the elevator, honey, and punch ‘m’. that’s where the men’s room is.’—and the drunk would stumble into the elevator. carolina pushed the ‘m’ button for him.—this happened over and over. carolina was the patron saint of such emergencies.— ‘it’s a terrible thing when you have to pee,’ she said. ‘i know how it is.’”

-william vollman (author)

“i think i am the child of a saint

who lingers in the sea, singing wasted songs.”

-mark levine (poet), qe2

"it's thoughts like this that kept me out of the really good schools."

-george carlin (comedian)

“man is a luxury loving animal. take away play, fancies, and luxuries, and you will turn man into a dull, sluggish creature, barely energetic enough to obtain a bare subsistence. a society becomes stagnant when its people are too rational or too serious to be tempted by baubles.”

-eric hoffer (longshoreman/philosopher)

“kid, you better look around.

how long you think you can

run that body down?

how many nights you think that you can

do what you been doin’?

who you foolin’?”

-paul simon (musician/poet)

“if god had not meant man to drink he would not have invented the grape or the process known as distillation…i have found that being sober constantly is somewhat of a let down, as i have been waking up without a hangover (one i have been nursing so carefully for some 20 odd years.) i feel that i have lost an old friend…”

-sam peckingpah (film director)

“baby wants to fuck!”

-dennis hopper (actor), blue velvet

“being ‘in a state of nudity’ is not an inherently expressive condition.”

-sandra day o’connor (supreme court justice), writing in a ruling that upholds a ban on nude dancing


“once you begin being naughty, it is easier to go on and on, and sooner or later something dreadful happens.”

-laura ingalls wilder (author)

“i’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.”

-ee cummings (poet)

"they who drink beer will think beer."

-washington irving (author)

“…(t)hat was my trouble. terrific charmer, danced with all the ugly girls, thought it was my duty, wasted life, no question…”

-john le carre (author), “the mad gardener”

“why is it that most men don’t like fat women, but they think they like fat wines?”

-kermit lynch (wine importer/author)

“i hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.”

-hunter s. thompson (author/journalist)

"once you begin being naughty, it is easier to go and on and on, and sooner or later something dreadful happens."

-laura ingalls wilder (author)

"the greatest minds are capable of the greatest vices as well as of the greatest virtues."
-rene descartes (philosopher/mathematician)

“my observation [is] that most men that do thrive in the world forget to take pleasure during the time that they are getting their estate, but reserve that till they have got one, and then it is too late for them to enjoy it.”

-samuel pepys (diarist/naval administrator)

"beer is living proof that god loves us and wants to see us happy"

-benjamin franklin (inventor/diplomat/printer/author)

“one onyx box of spikenard will buy us that jar of wine
from those in stock in the warehouse of sulpicius,
a big wine that will expand the heart and work
its wonders to wash your bitter cares away.

if such diversion entices you, come on
and bring the merchandise; but don't come empty-handed,
as i'm not running a handout wet bar
the way your patrician friends so often do.

seriously, now, put off all thought of cost and dallying,
remember death's dark burning, and while there's still time,
mix up your wise ways with a bit of folly;
a little foolishness is sometimes sweet.”

- horace (poet), odes iv.12, translated by charles wright

"i like liquor--its taste and its effects--and that is just the reason why i never drink it."

-stonewall jackson (confederate army general)

“to do great work a man must be very idle as well as very industrious.”
-samuel butler (poet)

“good morning, i am your worst nightmare come true: a fabulously wealthy pornographer with the courage and willingness to spend his last dime to expose how you are perverting the constitution of this great land. now let's get down to business.”

-"larry flynt for president" campaign ad, november 1983

“paddy cake, paddy cake / barkeep man / pour me a beer as fast as you can.”

-shannon mcnally (musician), “it ain’t easy being green”

“i’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”

-tom waits (musician/actor/songwriter)

“still, i have been no one's enemy but my own. my easy nature, either in drinking or anything else, was always ready to submit to persuasions of profligate companions, who often led me into snares.”

-john clare (poet)

“the perfect normal person is rare in our civilization.”

-karen horney (author/therapist)

“i have an important message to deliver to all the cute people all over the world…there’s a lot more of us ugly motherfuckers than you are. so watch out.”

-frank zappa (musician)

“in order to acquire a growing and lasting respect in society, it is a good thing, if you possess great talent, to give, early in your youth, a very hard kick to the right shin of the society that you love. after that, be a snob.”

-salvador dali (painter)

“most men pursue pleasure with such breathless haste they hurry past it.”

-soren kierkegaard (philosopher)

"one loutish, headstrong penis, a barbarous cuntivore without a flyspeck of decency in him. the capscallion of all rapscallions. a scurvy, vermiform scug with a serpentine twinkle in his solitary eye. an orgulous turk who strikes in the dark vaults of flesh like a penile thunderbolt. a greedy cur seeking shadows, slick crevices, tuna fish ecstacy, and sleep..."

-richard dooling (author), "brain storm”

"i hear, for example, that lessons learned drunk are best remembered drunk..."
-wendy battin (poet), "letters from three women"

“a sweet disorder in the dress

kindles in clothes a wantonness…”

-robert herrick (poet) "delight in disorder"

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